Thursday, September 29, 2011

Happy Anniversary!

Do you know what happens when your soon-to-be husband arrives at the rehearsal dinner without the child he was supposed to pick up from daycare two hours earlier? Do you know what happens when you realize that everyone on the daycare's call list is at the rehearsal dinner which is the better part of an hour away? Do you know what happens when you open your mouth and nothing but profanity spews out (in front of the minister)? I'll tell you what happens. You become very distraught. So distraught in fact, that you would be willing to flop down to the floor in a public washroom, and wail like a banshee into a public toilet.



Yep. 16 years ago, Deb did just that. Lucky for her, I was there to console her. Unfortunately for her, I am emotionally dull - or - "socially awkward" as she likes to put it. Yep, my wise and thoughtful words saved a marriage that day!



"One day you'll laugh about this"





I drew a picture in honor of this special day!

Happy Anniversary!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

My drawing for the day

Forgot to post a drawing. I will never get better if I don't practice. Here is a picture of our cats. There - my work here is done! LATER!



The devil finds work for idle hands...

This was so much fun!


I meant to check... have you moved your spare key?


Thanks for being such a good sport!


It's been a while. What are you doing this year on devil's night? Too bad we just pitched the 400 golf balls.


Think about it... let me know. We still owe a couple people for peanut butter and (according to Brett) "fake penises"...






















October 30, 2011. Mark it on your calendar! They won't see it coming - it's been so long they probably think the dynamic duo have gotten old and given up our 2am excursions! And if you say no, I suggest you STAY AWAKE! I'll be coming for you - one way or another!













Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Life on Earth

If there was life on a far away planet, and they had the ability to watch over Earth day in and day out.....

Would they think that the planet Earth was inhabited by creatures that looked something like this?





And if they believed that, would they assume that this blue planet had a parasite problem?






I think about this quite often. Seems I have far too much time on my hands. Too bad I don't use it for something productive....

Monday, September 19, 2011

My Dad

My Dad makes me laugh. A lot. He's a funny guy. Unintentionally. Actually, I suppose I should say my Mom makes me laugh, because she's the one that tells me the things he does! Like the day he went for a walk to the mall not realizing he had a Q-tip sticking out of one ear. This was funny enough, but then she told me that he'd stopped to talk to people, including a lady who's dog was wearing sunglasses because it had just had cataract surgery. He actually told her that her four legged friend looked silly wearing them. Kudos to this lady for being able to keep a straight face.




Then there was the time my Dad sliced all his fingertips off using a mandolin slicer while prepping carrots for dinner. He called my Mom at work and told her that he cut himself with a grater. Seeing that I work three minutes from their house, and she works out of town, she called and asked my to pop over and check on him. So I went over with some gauze, band aids, antibacterial ointment and some finger cots. I got there, and found out that he cut all his fingertips off with a mandolin slicer. I cleaned the wounds, applied the ointment, gauzed them up and handed him the finger cots. He told me they looked like french ticklers. Then I had to show him how to put one on. Very funny... but not as funny as the message I got at work later that afternoon.











I nearly peed my pants when I heard this! Thank God I retrieved the message and not my boss. That would have been an interesting conversation!




Another time, my Dad called my Mom at work to say he had to buy new boots because his feet grew. Said he had a Hell of a time shovelling the driveway because his feet were so sore. When she got home from work, he told her again - he couldn't understand how, at his age, he was still growing. He put the boots on to show her. He crammed his aching feet back into them and hobbled into the kitchen to prove to her that he hadn't lost his mind. That's when he got an ear full for wearing my Mom's new boots.







My Dad has been very sick. At this point in time, there's still not a positive diagnosis. The doctors are leaning towards something called temporal arteritis. Anyway, it got so bad that my Mom took him to the hospital, where he was kept for a few days so they could do some testing. He was also given morphine and sleeping pills. At some ungodly hour on a Monday morning, my Mom got a call from the police saying they picked up my Dad near Kerr St. (a long walk from the hospital for an old man). She had to drive out to Oakville to pick him up and bring him back to the hospital. He explained that his buddy, Brian Franks, had died and that my Dad snuck out of the hospital to attend his memorial. He described the people that were there, and also stated that a hot dog stand was named in his honour. (Brian Franks is alive and well - all the people that were at the memorial were doctors and nurses that had been tending to him over the past two days). He was wearing his street clothes over his hospital gown. The fine nurses at OTMH didn't notice him slip out.






So now he's back at home. My Mom woke up in the middle of the night to my Dad fumbling around in the dark. When she asked what he was doing, he said "I think I'm stuck in a corner." She turned the light on and there he was, standing in the corner of the room - unsure of what he had to do to get to the door (that was RIGHT beside him).







And there you have it. Just a little glimpse into the inner workings of my Dad's mind. Quite funny, until I realize that I'm not that far from doing the same things. I drew some more bad pictures. Figure if I keep doing them, I am bound to get better at it. Besides, I like the pictures. They make this horrid blog a little more interesting. Still grammatically incorrect, but more entertaining (I think). Enough for now. 1½ hours until Hells Kitchen, 2½ hours until the 2½ men premier with Ashton Kutcher. Do you think it's pathetic that these shows will be the highlight of my day? I do. Later gator.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Something special - just for you. Because I am bored.

Oh dear God, what is wrong with me? I know you've been wondering the same thing for many years now, but honestly... I just spent 10 minutes trying to remember how to long onto my blog to post an entry. Duh. I suppose it's no worse than the year it took me to remember the password to my blog! All evidence points to Alzheimer's. It's coming. I know it is.





Now that I'm here, I forgot what clever thing it was that I was going to write. (see, more evidence). I am seriously drawing a blank. I'm pretty sure I didn't intentionally forget how to log on, just so that I could tell you all about it. I am POSITIVE there was something I was going to say. I know, I will make up a little story to keep you entertained while I rack my brain. Please note that this will require a skill called "multi-tasking." This is not a skill I possess. Consider yourself warned. Hopefully this story doesn't turn out like the last one where the mouse turned into a hamster, or vice versa. Alright, here I go.



Did you notice I was gone? I decided to draw you a picture. Wasn't that nice of me? I'm like that. Sometimes. I have to admit, it was quite difficult. I hope you appreciate the time and effort it took me to do this. I did it just for you. It is a lovely picture, don't you think? I drew it using MS Paint. I cannot stress enough, the trouble I went through to draw this monkey. So now I can start my story. It is going to be a story about Minkeroni the Monkey (as shown above).



Once upon a time, in a land not so far from here, actually, it's so close to here, I'll just say it was here. So scratch that first line. I'll start over.

Once upon a time, here, there was a creature called Minkeroni. He was a he, and he was a monkey. (I didn't promise you a good story did I?)





Minkeroni went for a walk on the sidewalk. Actually, it looks as though he was floating just above the sidewalk. Or maybe he was walking on the edge of the sidewalk? No, that would just be stupid. I walked on the edge of a sidewalk once, and twisted my ankle as I passed a house inhabited by old people. I don't know for certain that they were old, but I presume they were, because only old people take the time to dig a nice neat trench along any and all paved surface that runs alongside their grass. But wait, floating above the sidewalk would be even more stupid. Monkeys can't float, can they? I suppose they could float in water, but the picture CLEARLY shows a sidewalk. Let's just say he was walking on the sidewalk. Obviously the person that drew the picture doesn't know what they're doing.





Minkeroni twisted his ankle and hobbled to the middle of the sidewalk. (hmm, it's not the person drawing the pictures - he's just a stupid monkey). He couldn't believe his luck when he came upon a TELEPHONE BOOTH! "Thank Freaking Goodness" he thought to himself. His ankle was terribly sore, and swollen thanks to some old people that have far too much time on their hands. He couldn't decide if he should call an ambulance or a taxi. Unfortunately, he didn't know the phone number for either. So he looked in the phone book stored below the phone on a shelf. (don't' bother looking at the picture above, the book's not visible from that angle).



He opened the book. The text was soooo tiny that he couldn't read it. I know exactly how he felt. I once ordered a pizza for pick up (because I'm too cheap to tip the drivers), and sent Tom to go get it when the "ready by" time was approaching. He was gone for what felt like FOREVER. He came home - without the pizza. He asked which location I ordered it from. I said I ordered it from the one I usually order from. He then told me they didn't have an order for us. So I opened the phone book back up to see just exactly where I ordered it (all the while, thinking they're going to owe us a free pizza for their error). I pointed to the line in the phone book. Tom double checked it... and then grumbled "where the &*%$# is Dominion Pizza?" (OOPS!)



I digress. The monkey - the phone book - tiny print. Got it. (eww - cat puking in the next room). I was gone again. Cleaned up cat puke, killed a spider, went outside, had a smoke, fed a few mosquitoes and played a game of rumikub on my itouch. Did you notice my absence? Didn't think so. Which goes to show you how much longer it takes me to write this, than it does for you to read this. Where was I? The monkey - the phone book - tiny print. Got it.



He pulled his glasses out of his bum (he didn't have pockets... duh), and was faced with yet ANOTHER problem. Not only did his glasses look like boobs, they were broken. Poor Minkerdoodle - no, sorry, Minkeroni. He decided to call directory assistance, because he knew that number... 411. He picked up the hand piece or whatever it's called ... and ... (I'm trying to make this a little suspenseful). Not sure if that's a real word, but I figure it doesn't matter because no one in their right mind would still be reading this jargon. If someone out there is still reading this, you might have noticed that I also gave up caring about grammar and proper use of quotes, brackets and all other stupid things I was supposed to have lurnd in skhewl.
... the earpiece was covered in sweat, and there was bubblicious on the mouthpiece. How did he know it was bubblicious you ask? Because that's the only bubble gum name brand I can think of. No wait, it could have been Hubba Bubba, but I supposed it doesn't matter. You get the gist. It was just as well anyway, because in about two seconds, Minkeroni would have come to the realization that he didn't have 50 cents to pay for a phone call, nor did the illustrator provide him with the fingers he'd require to push all the buttons.

So what did Minkeroni do?

Please, read on....




Minkeroni went ape-shit on the phone, destroying it. The police arrived and took him to jail where he was put on suicide watch because his foot was causing him so much pain, that he said he wanted to die.





The End (thank goodness)! Remember - at no point in time did I say this was going to be a good story, an educational story, or an enjoyable read. If you read this story in its entirety, you have no one to blame but yourself. (...stupid)!