Something special - just for you. Because I am bored.

Oh dear God, what is wrong with me? I know you've been wondering the same thing for many years now, but honestly... I just spent 10 minutes trying to remember how to long onto my blog to post an entry. Duh. I suppose it's no worse than the year it took me to remember the password to my blog! All evidence points to Alzheimer's. It's coming. I know it is.

Now that I'm here, I forgot what clever thing it was that I was going to write. (see, more evidence). I am seriously drawing a blank. I'm pretty sure I didn't intentionally forget how to log on, just so that I could tell you all about it. I am POSITIVE there was something I was going to say. I know, I will make up a little story to keep you entertained while I rack my brain. Please note that this will require a skill called "multi-tasking." This is not a skill I possess. Consider yourself warned. Hopefully this story doesn't turn out like the last one where the mouse turned into a hamster, or vice versa. Alright, here I go.

Did you notice I was gone? I decided to draw you a picture. Wasn't that nice of me? I'm like that. Sometimes. I have to admit, it was quite difficult. I hope you appreciate the time and effort it took me to do this. I did it just for you. It is a lovely picture, don't you think? I drew it using MS Paint. I cannot stress enough, the trouble I went through to draw this monkey. So now I can start my story. It is going to be a story about Minkeroni the Monkey (as shown above).

Once upon a time, in a land not so far from here, actually, it's so close to here, I'll just say it was here. So scratch that first line. I'll start over.

Once upon a time, here, there was a creature called Minkeroni. He was a he, and he was a monkey. (I didn't promise you a good story did I?)

Minkeroni went for a walk on the sidewalk. Actually, it looks as though he was floating just above the sidewalk. Or maybe he was walking on the edge of the sidewalk? No, that would just be stupid. I walked on the edge of a sidewalk once, and twisted my ankle as I passed a house inhabited by old people. I don't know for certain that they were old, but I presume they were, because only old people take the time to dig a nice neat trench along any and all paved surface that runs alongside their grass. But wait, floating above the sidewalk would be even more stupid. Monkeys can't float, can they? I suppose they could float in water, but the picture CLEARLY shows a sidewalk. Let's just say he was walking on the sidewalk. Obviously the person that drew the picture doesn't know what they're doing.

Minkeroni twisted his ankle and hobbled to the middle of the sidewalk. (hmm, it's not the person drawing the pictures - he's just a stupid monkey). He couldn't believe his luck when he came upon a TELEPHONE BOOTH! "Thank Freaking Goodness" he thought to himself. His ankle was terribly sore, and swollen thanks to some old people that have far too much time on their hands. He couldn't decide if he should call an ambulance or a taxi. Unfortunately, he didn't know the phone number for either. So he looked in the phone book stored below the phone on a shelf. (don't' bother looking at the picture above, the book's not visible from that angle).

He opened the book. The text was soooo tiny that he couldn't read it. I know exactly how he felt. I once ordered a pizza for pick up (because I'm too cheap to tip the drivers), and sent Tom to go get it when the "ready by" time was approaching. He was gone for what felt like FOREVER. He came home - without the pizza. He asked which location I ordered it from. I said I ordered it from the one I usually order from. He then told me they didn't have an order for us. So I opened the phone book back up to see just exactly where I ordered it (all the while, thinking they're going to owe us a free pizza for their error). I pointed to the line in the phone book. Tom double checked it... and then grumbled "where the &*%$# is Dominion Pizza?" (OOPS!)

I digress. The monkey - the phone book - tiny print. Got it. (eww - cat puking in the next room). I was gone again. Cleaned up cat puke, killed a spider, went outside, had a smoke, fed a few mosquitoes and played a game of rumikub on my itouch. Did you notice my absence? Didn't think so. Which goes to show you how much longer it takes me to write this, than it does for you to read this. Where was I? The monkey - the phone book - tiny print. Got it.

He pulled his glasses out of his bum (he didn't have pockets... duh), and was faced with yet ANOTHER problem. Not only did his glasses look like boobs, they were broken. Poor Minkerdoodle - no, sorry, Minkeroni. He decided to call directory assistance, because he knew that number... 411. He picked up the hand piece or whatever it's called ... and ... (I'm trying to make this a little suspenseful). Not sure if that's a real word, but I figure it doesn't matter because no one in their right mind would still be reading this jargon. If someone out there is still reading this, you might have noticed that I also gave up caring about grammar and proper use of quotes, brackets and all other stupid things I was supposed to have lurnd in skhewl.

... the earpiece was covered in sweat, and there was bubblicious on the mouthpiece. How did he know it was bubblicious you ask? Because that's the only bubble gum name brand I can think of. No wait, it could have been Hubba Bubba, but I supposed it doesn't matter. You get the gist. It was just as well anyway, because in about two seconds, Minkeroni would have come to the realization that he didn't have 50 cents to pay for a phone call, nor did the illustrator provide him with the fingers he'd require to push all the buttons.

So what did Minkeroni do?

Please, read on....

Minkeroni went ape-shit on the phone, destroying it. The police arrived and took him to jail where he was put on suicide watch because his foot was causing him so much pain, that he said he wanted to die.

The End (thank goodness)! Remember - at no point in time did I say this was going to be a good story, an educational story, or an enjoyable read. If you read this story in its entirety, you have no one to blame but yourself. (...stupid)!