Today I showed my father how to put a condom on

Yes, you read right...

I was out grabbing lunch and my Mom called me on my cell in a panic.

Ok - let me go back to show the kind of week my parents are having... Last week, they were heading to the hospital so they could be with my Grandma when she received some test results and what have you. It was snowing in a big bad way and the hospital is a couple hours away out in the boonies. So, they decided to skip the hospital visit and headed back home. yadda yadda yadda, car accident - damaged front end, no injuries.

Monday - they drop the car off to the body shop for repairs. Mom is hitching a ride to work with a lady she works with for the week. All fine and well.

Tuesday - Mom calls me and asks me help convince my Dad he needs to go to the doctor (he called her at work and complained about groin pains). So, off I go - drag him to the doctors. All fine and well - just a pulled muscle. Avoid straining and lifting. (no shovelling)

Today - Mom calls me in a panic because my Dad has gouged the ends of his fingers on a cheese grater - can I go check on him and help bandage the wounds if needed. So, I head over there again and he showed me what he'd done. It wasn't a cheese grater - it was a mandolin slicer he was using and he didn't gouge his fingers, he sliced the ends off them while slicing carrots for dinner! (uh - gross). So, luckily I went over there armed with gauze, antibiotic cream, antiseptic cream and finger condoms. Good thing I did because all they had for cuts were 20 year old bandaids that lost their stickiness.

Anyway, I gauzed them up and handed him a finger condom. Conversation went like this:

Me - "here, put this on over top of the gauze"

Dad - "what is this?"

Me - "A finger condom"

Dad - "Looks like a french tickler"

Me -

(nothing. Took everything I had just to keep it all together!)

Dad - "How do I put it on?"

Me - " Just put the end of your finger on the centre and roll the ridges down over your knuckle"

Dad - "Which way is up - does it matter?"

Me - "Here - give it to me, I'll do it."

So there you have it. Not only did I have to explain the process, I physically put a "French Tickler" on my Dad - THREE TIMES!

LOL - No wonder I'm as warped as I am.

Called my Mom to explain the situation. After I told her that it was the Mandolin slicer, not a cheese grater she said "oh, I didn't know he knew we had one of those." I responded "well, he found it." I suggested she consider avoiding the carrots he had in the pot on the stove as he couldn't find one of the chunks he lopped off. Then she was peeing herself laughing when I told her he didn't know how to put a condom on....

So that was the highlight of my day. He insists he will be able to bowl tonight - so I will be back there after Cole's dentist appointment to pick him up. I told him I'd bring him some more French Ticklers tonight!

Ugh - did I gross you out!?