Hello my friend.

I have become a procrastinator. I worked on reports all day until my eyes were dry and sore. Because I have to meet a deadline, I brought my computer home with me to finish up the task at hand, yet here it is... 11pm on a Thursday night and the computer is still sitting on the floor in the corner, waiting to be hooked up.

My birthday is looming up before me, and just as every year since I purchased my first car, the Ministry of Transportation sends me their version of a birthday card - and as usual, it arrives six weeks early. Last year I had to have my driver's license renewed on top of the cost of the sticker. This year I need to have a drive clean test done. So, today I called the garage to make an appointment to get it done. The technician advised me he could do it next week. Now this would have been fine if I hadn't left it until three days before my birthday (which is a Sunday - which means I have to renew my stickers on Friday or I'll be in a fourteen hour line on Saturday). Ugh. I'm an idiot.

Condensed version - the tech said "Happy Birthday - I will squeeze you in tomorrow at 11:15 - but you have to be here at 11:15). This works out perfectly because I finish work at 11 on Fridays. AND, the garage is right next door to my stalker's place of business, so I can pop in and have a coffee with her while I wait. Hopefully they don't destroy the car while they're working on it. *It wouldn't be the first time it's happened to me*

My Villager. It was January a few years ago. I was driving home from work when all of a sudden I couldn't steer anymore. It was snowing heavily and I was driving through a foot of snow, so I just figured that something had been packed with snow. Yadda Yadda Yadda - brought it to the shop to have them check it out. Turned out the power steering belt had gone into self destruct mode. SO... I leave it with instructions not to do anything more than what was necessary as it was dying a slow, painful death and my intention was to just drive it into the ground without sinking a lot of money into it.

I am at work the next day and I get a phone call from the garage...
Tech - "I have good news, and I have bad news."
Moe - "alright - let me have it."
Tech - "The p/s belt has been replaced but in the process, we broke the bolt for the a/c belt and we don't have one in stock. I have it on order - it's only $6 and will take three minutes to fix."

Seeing that it was like -500°C outside, it was clearly unlikely that I would need to use my air conditioner, the tech said I could pick the car up and just pop in after work the next day and they would install it while I waited. So I picked up the van, paid the bill and went on my merry way.

The following day after work, I told Tom I would only be a few minutes late - they said I could wait and that they'd bring it in as soon as I got there. I head back over to Speedy Muffler to have this three minute, six dollar bolt installed (prepaid). I am sitting in the waiting room with this mega bitch who told me her life story - actually, was yelling her life story. She was a school teacher that had been laid off and was in the process of trying to get EI but was denied. She was RANTING about all the #$$#%$@# foreigners who come to this #%$#%$^# country and the $#&^%$#% government just hands these #$%#$% losers all the cash they might need, not to mention #$%$#%$ housing and blah blah blah. Every other word out of her mouth was fuck or fucking. No word of a lie. I was thinking she wasn't laid off - after hearing the way she spoke and her general demeanour, I was thinking she probably got canned for scaring the kids. ANYWAY - back to the story about ME.

I was standing at the window, watching them fix my van in an attempt to get this hag to stop bitching to me. I see them finish up and start to bring the hoist down. I turned to collect my things with the belief that I would be out of there in a matter of minutes. All of a sudden there was a loud SNAP, BANG, and SCRAAAAPE. I swung my head back around and watched in horror as the hoist that the van was one simply... well, it just fell apart. My van tipped and slid down the one post that had let go. It finally stopped - hanging precariously, a few feet up in the air.

I ran out to the shop and saw a mechanic - shaking like a leaf. And this is what was said:
Moe - "please tell me there was no one under there"
Tech - "we're okay"
Moe - "Thank God."
**before I continue, please note - I have a very bad habit of making a joke out of just about any situation. I just do not know how to react, what to feel or what to say. I am emotionally dull - I am more of a man than most men. Really.
Moe - "I think you might have misunderstood."
Tech - "I'm not sure I know what you mean"
Moe - "I said I was going to DRIVE it into the ground - not for you to drop it to the ground"
Tech - "This might sound really horrible, but I am soooo glad it was your car and not hers" (as he did a head nod in the hag's direction).

So, while he called head office and their insurance company, I walked over to the daycare to collect Brett. We walked home and I told Tom that I had to go back to the garage. He said "I thought is was only going to be a three minute job and they were going to do it right away?" I said "they did.. and then my van fell of the hoist."

He didn't believe me so threw on his boots and we headed back to the garage. As we were walking up the street he saw it and started laughing. It was in the bay closest to the big glass bay door at the front of the building. Tom continued to laugh at the sight AND at my luck with cars. (I have had three cars written off - and you know what? In every single case, there was never anyone in the car at the time... in fact, in every single case, the car wasn't even running). And yes, it was written off. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THEY NEVER REIMBURSED ME FOR THE POWER STEERING BELT OR THE BOLT. I asked, he said no. I said "come on... it's not even 24 hours old. I drove from Stoney Creek to Burlington, and then back." He wouldn't budge. They put me in a rental car for five weeks (that's how long it took the insurance company to clear everything). Think I got $2000 or $2500 for the van. Hey, it was an old jalopy that wasn't likely to survive the winter, so I guess I did alright! Always look for the silver lining.

Well, it's now 11:45 and I have some work to do.

Ciao my friend.

Oh, that reminds me (yes, I know - procrastinating again) I often grab a bite to eat at this little hole in the wall called Goody's. They guy always says to me "Hello my friend.. A diet coke and a 6" BLT on white, with mozzarella, tomato, lettuce and mayo for you today?" Then he always says "Goodbye my friend. See you in a day or so?" They guy is just so nice (he gives me LOTS of bacon at no extra charge).

I don't eat there that often - just once a week or so for the past few months. I guess he recognizes me and knows what I order. I am very predictable. But I can explain why. I hate trying new things for the fear of disappointment. Not only would it be a waste of money, I might wither away to nothing while waiting for my next meal. If I find something I truly enjoy, I stick with it. I may be a plain Jane, but it keeps me happy and full.

Why in the Hell can't the employees at Tim Horton's not remember my order? I go to the same one every morning - order 2 large double doubles - both with milk, a large decaf double double and a large decaf with one sweetener. I see the same employees every day - they even chat and joke with me, they know what I drive and a few other tidbits about my personal life - but do you think they could remember my order after going in there Monday through Friday for the past four years? And more often than not, they still put cream in my coffee instead of the milk that they punched into the system.

Okay - I have to get my ass in gear.
GOODBYE MY FRIEND... SEE YOU IN AN HOUR OR TWO?