Time killing is a killer

I have an hour to kill. I am sofa king bored. I am exhausted because of it.

Wish I had something witty to say, but I fear I am experiencing a creative draught. I have nothing. Maybe I'll write about things that always make me chuckle when I think of them.

1) Many years ago, while in Parry Sound, we went to watch the bikes go by in the Thunder Run. I noticed someone walk by me wearing track pants with "Western" written across the bum (you know the ones I'm talking about - you see them all the time). I said to Al (my stalker's DH) "I'd like to get a pair of those." He didn't even pause. The quickest and funniest response I ever could have imagined... He said "Yes, and yours could say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"
Asshole!

2) My new wacky neighbor coming over to introduce herself. Ten minutes into the conversation she was telling me that she weighed her boobs. I knew right then and there that I was going to have to spend a lot of time trying to sound as though I wasn't home.

3) As horrid as this sounds, my Grandfather's funeral. I hadn't laughed so hard in AGES. Guess I should elaborate. I was out with a friend from work (Q) and her boyfriend (Billy). Billy's brother came along too. While at the bar, his brother was all over me even though I was doing my best to get away from him. He actually stuck his tongue in my ear and I lost it. I yelled over to Q - "would you get this fucking guy away from me?" I ended up leaving, thoroughly disgusted. I guess it was a month later, while at work, I had a conversation with Q that went like this:

Moe - I have to leave work early to go to a funeral.

Q - so does Billy's parents... his uncle died.

Q - where's the funeral?

Moe - In Oakville - on Lakeshore

Q - really? What was your Grandpa's name?

Moe - Steward, although everyone called him Slim.

Q - Get the fuck out

Moe - Huh?

Q - (killing herself laughing) - keep an eye out for people that look like .... they will be driving a .... I think you might be related to Billy which means... well, .... thank God you didn't take him up on his offer.

Anyway - condensed version: We saw a couple that looked like... and were driving a .....

I was with my sister, Wendy and when we saw them, we both started laughing so hard we were crying. My Mom came over to see if we were okay - thought we were severely upset. She said we were horrible when she found out we were laughing.

4) Wendy and I laughing through my other sister, Janice's wedding. Something went awry with the sound system and there was a loud BANG in the middle of their vows. Everyone jumped. Some people gave out a startled scream. Wendy and I burst into laughter and couldn't stop. We turned our backs to each other in an attempt to stop, but every time we turned to face the front we'd start up again.

5) Debbie kicking me out of her house for laughing at her for dropping the photo box full of the pictures she'd spent HOURS putting into order.

6) FR TEXAS LIZARD SAT IN THE FLESH. The name of the new bar that took over the location of The Naked Turtle. I thought that maybe it was the same owner, opening the bar under a new name. I was certain that this person had a naked reptile fetish. Until it was suggested that I might be misinterpreting the sign's message. I looked. I pondered. I kept looking. I kept pondering. Nope, I was not reading it wrong. After some laughter, it was suggested that these might be upcoming events and band names. FRIDAY - Texas Lizard. SATURDAY - In the Flesh. Duh. (Did I mention how much I hate stupid people? It's even worse when it's me that's being stupid!)

7) Watching Gwyneth's son get lippy with her... he was outside riding his bike. She had come to the front door and said "Bryan - time to come in for dinner." He promptly replied "NO." She demanded he obey, and finally said "I will count to three." He said "you can count to a hundred for all I care - I'M NOT COMING IN." I had to go into the house so he wouldn't see me laughing.

8) One of my nicknames when I was A LOT younger was piss tank. I went to Greg and Marie's and when I walked in the door, Gordon, their 4 year old greeted me with "HEY FISH TANK!"

9) Jade watching cartoons and singing the opening song for the Teenage Mutant Injure Turtles.

10) Debbie telling me about an experience she had had at McDonald's. Chris was in the playroom with Martin. A lady came up to Deb and said "is that your son?" After admitting ownership, the woman said "I thought you'd like to know that he is spitting on people." So, Deb sits Chris down and says a few words to him and states that he is going back into the room and that he was to apologize to the lady. So, she brings him back into the playroom and Chris walks up to the woman and said "Sorry.... BUTT-HEAD!"

Okay that is enough for now. Day is almost done. I have killed a 35 minutes or so. This post has served its purpose.